Relapsing: What If My Depression Comes Back?

Depression knocks the wind out of you. It kicks you in the back of the knees and holds you down with a mighty force. You need all your strength to stand back up. The crushing sadness, maddening anxiety and searing pain are experiences you never want to live through again. Recovery becomes the focal point of your life, and you take it day-by-day.

Finally, you turn a corner and the blood, sweat and gallons of tears you put in to feeling better starts to yield results. Your energy returns, getting out of bed is no longer a chore and life feels promising again.

But depression leaves a scar.

It’s impossible to forget the lowest points and how simple thoughts can morph into dark, twisted contemplation. You’ve spent months, maybe years, asking “Will I ever feel better?” And when you do, there’s a new question:

“What if my depression returns?”

Living in Fear

As I recovered from an acute bout of depression, I felt hopeful. But I was also scared, especially when I’d have a tough day. After spending too many months feeling consistently awful, I’d forgotten that a run-of-the-mill bad day didn’t necessarily signal something dire.

I wasn’t paranoid, I swear – I just knew the odds. At least 60 percent of people who have experienced one depressive episode will have another. I shared my fear with my treatment team. My therapist informed me I was potentially dealing with a form of PTSD (I’m eternally skeptical of that theory).  My doctor viewed it differently. She referred to the depression and subsequent treatment as an episode that “came and went.”

Of course, the experience wasn’t as breezy as she made it sound, but her message was clear: The episode was behind me because I worked hard at recovery. And, thanks to the treatment, I had more tools at my disposal if I did suffer a relapse.

The following six months were devoted to getting well. It was exhausting, but worth it. I became a pro at recognizing negative thought patterns and reframing them. I was a champ at avoiding triggers that sent me into nightmarish spirals of self-doubt. Regular exercise probably also saved me from a few dark periods, though sadly it never did help me earn the chiseled body of an Olympian (but never say never!).

I began to feel like myself again, and I stopped living in constant fear. But I also knew I’d have to stay vigilant about my mental health.

Real Talk about Recurrences

Even when I’m feeling invincible, the odds still come back to haunt me. I’m fighting against a family history of depression, a noisy mind and a world full of triggers and temptations.

Depressive episodes can crop up long after you’ve resolved a previous one. I’ve never experienced the same level of despair I felt in 2011, but I’ve battled less extreme bouts of depression since, especially during periods of major life change and extreme stress. And, according to science, this is pretty normal: 70 percent of people who have had two depressive episodes will have a third; 90 percent of people who have had three will experience a fourth.

I’ll admit to getting scared when I see warning signs of a depressive episode. There’s a moment when I don’t want to acknowledge it’s happening, but I’ve learned that denial won’t make it disappear. The sooner I take action, the shorter the episode will be.

Despite the odds, I’m always hopeful I won’t experience depression again.

How to Cope If Your Depression Returns

Whether its three months or three years later, experiencing another depressive episode is frustrating, demoralizing and difficult. Despite the struggle, remember that you’re better prepared than the time before (even if it doesn’t feel that way).

Know Your Triggers

If you’ve battled depression before, you’re probably aware of the situations and stressors that cause you problems. While we can’t always avoid our triggers, we can take appropriate steps to prevent an episode from occurring. For instance, if an overwhelming project at work leads to anxiety, consider paying closer attention to simple, proactive steps to boost your health. Get proper sleep, find time to exercise regularly and seek additional talk therapy to work through negative emotions.

Identify Warning Signs

Depression usually creeps back into our lives with a few warning signs, including sleeping too much, irritability and sadness. While these factors may not necessarily signal depression, experts say it’s a good idea to track your moods every day for a week if you experience early warning signs. Get in touch with your doctor if you see a pattern of negative moods.

Use Your Tools

If you’re experiencing early warning signs, remember that depression is treatable. Tap into the tools and skills you used in the past to get well. Whether you call a friend, talk to your doctor about medication or prevent rumination using cognitive-behavioral therapy, you’re equipped to fight this off.