Cognitive Distortion: 6 Thoughts That Foster Depression

A therapist once told me I said “should” a lot.

She would challenge me to explain why I felt obligated to continue a friendship that made me miserable (“Because I should try to make new friends.”). Or she’d ask why I felt I “should be at a certain point in my career” just because someone I knew recently earned a promotion. 

She was right. I was living my life by “should.” I equated “should” with doing the right thing or being successful. I was putting pressure on myself because of what I thought the world expected of me. By using “should,” I was telling myself circumstances should be something they’re not. Perfectionism can be productive, but it also created unnecessary feelings of guilt or missed opportunity. I painted a picture in my mind that things should always be ideal, and when they weren’t, I blamed myself.

It took me a while to understand that my reliance on “should” was actually a type of cognitive distortion. This type of thinking can seek to explain or justify a situation, but it also reinforces negativity. Instead of helping, these thoughts only exacerbate depression and anxiety.

Reframing My Thoughts

The good news about cognitive distortions is you can untwist how you think. It’s not always easy, but repeated efforts to reframe irrational thoughts can eventually lead to a healthier mindset.

I unwittingly relied on cognitive distortions for much of my life, before becoming familiar with the concept in 2011. In “10 Days to Self Esteem,” author David Burns outlines the various types of cognitive distortions that can foster feelings of depression and anxiety. Such behaviors include prematurely predicting future situations will go badly, and/or seeking out information confirming negative views without also looking for the positive.

There are more, but below are a half dozen distortions I fell into, and admittedly sometimes still do. My family was (and is) fond of reminding me to “reframe your thoughts!” when they hear me take a turn for the negative. If you feel yourself slipping into any of these behaviors, consider this my friendly reminder to try and do the same:

• Overgeneralization: A few negative experiences lead you to conclude all similar situations will have the same result. For example, “I didn’t get that job, so I’ll never be employable.”
  Reframe by asking yourself: “Have I ever been in a situation where ___ did not lead to ___?” or “Am I jumping to conclusions too quickly?”

• Labeling: If something didn’t work out as planned, you may be inclined to label yourself negatively (IE as a “failure” or “loser.”)
  Reframe by asking yourself: “What is the definition of ?” or “Is this the only thing that defines me?”
• Mind reading: Making assumptions (without proof) about what other people are feeling or thinking.
  Reframe by asking yourself: “Do I know with complete certainty what the other person is thinking or feeling?”
• All or nothing: You think in terms of black and white without considering there may be exceptions. This type of extreme thinking prevents you from thinking about things in a healthier way.
  Reframe by asking yourself: “Are there other ways to look at this situation?”
• Emotional reasoning: Your feelings dictate facts, i.e. “I feel terrible, so it must be terrible.”
  Reframe by asking yourself: “Which aspects are actually true?” or “Is my interpretation driven by emotions and leading me to a wrong conclusion?”

• Ignoring the positives: Minimizing the positive aspects of a situation or finding a way to say they don’t matter.
  Reframe by asking yourself: “Am I being too critical?”

Does Reframing Thoughts Work?

Untwisting irrational or exaggerated thoughts won’t happen overnight, but trust me, reframing can work if you work at it. At times, I physically stopped what I was doing so I could take note of certain negative thoughts and actively refute them. And as I got better at recognizing this behavior, I was able to untwist my thinking quicker.

In my experience, fending off cognitive distortions was one piece of a cognitive-behavioral puzzle. Getting healthy also meant taking care of myself and scheduling positive events.

And striving to be more aware of – and avoid – the dreaded “should.”