What to Do When You Lack a Support System

There’s a reason songs like “Lean on Me” and “You’ve Got a Friend” resonate with people. They celebrate a basic human desire to have support, comfort and reassurance.

Most of us thrive with the help of others. When times are tough, we look to our friends and family for help.

But not everyone has a close-knit support system when they’re battling depression. Geographical distance can be a factor, but in many cases, support is hard to find because of stigma, misconceptions and misunderstandings.

Support from Your Inner Circle

It’s not uncommon for families to have deep-seated religious or cultural beliefs related to mental illness, while others may give in to stereotypes and fear. For instance, some families may silence their loved ones’ struggles by refusing to acknowledge their depression. Others prefer to keep the issue within the family, making it difficult to seek help from a therapist or other third party.

Knowing where our families stand on the issue of mental illness can help frame the conversation.

“I think taking into account the family members’ personal beliefs is key when discussing it with them,” says mental health clinician Julie Lacroce, M.S., LPC, NCC.

In some cases, sharing information with family members can create a dialogue about the mental health history of your family, especially since depression is often hereditary. And for those coming from a family that ignores their depression, it can behoove them to go rogue. If you’re suffering, acknowledge your condition and get the support you need – even if it means you eventually have to venture outside your family and friends circle.

Asking for Support from Loved Ones

Although more people are becoming educated about mental illness, there’s still a large swath of the population who believe it’s something we can just “snap out of” or “get over.” If you’re dealing with clinical depression (as opposed to situational depression, which can occur after a traumatic event), it’s important for those around you to understand the medical component of the disease.

“The best way I break it down to them is comparing it to a chronic medical issue, such as high blood pressure,” Lacroce advises. “If someone has high blood pressure, would you tell them to not take medicine and ignore it? No, you tell them to take medicine and adjust their lifestyle to help reduce the symptoms. Just as you would with depression.”

These kinds of conversations with loved ones can be challenging if there are varying opinions on what constitutes mental illness. Siblings might not relate to debilitating sadness; parents may assume the only people with mental illness are homeless or in a psychiatric hospital.

“I would suggest family members participate in a session with the patient if there is that big of a dissonance that is creating distress,” Lacroce recommends. “Any disagreement or misunderstanding usually is a sign of a greater systemic or familial dissonance between the patient and their family members.”

How to Communicate Effectively

Miscommunication can create tension between people. Specificity helps get results.

Avoid making vague requests since words like “support” can mean different things to different people. Ask for concrete actions: “I would like to meet you once a month for coffee to talk” or “Can you call me once a week to check on me?”

Ideally, our family and friends will welcome these specific requests. Once they know how they can help, there’s a stronger chance they’ll step up.

Supporting Yourself

Taking care of yourself shouldn’t become secondary in seeking support from others. Self-management is a crucial step in fighting against depressive symptoms.

Do’s

• Choose a hobby: Find an activity you enjoy and ensure it’s something you can do on your own. “So no one can take it from [you],” Lacroce says.
• Exercise: You’ll hear this time and again, but research confirms exercise is a known mood-booster.

Don’ts

• Avoid isolation: You might think you’ll feel better if you stay in bed all day, but this will only exacerbate depression.
• Limit caffeine and alcohol: Caffeine enhances anxiety, which generally co-exists with depression, and alcohol is categorized as a depressant. ‘Nuff said.

Finding Support Elsewhere

If communicating with family and friends hasn’t produced results, there are still options. In fact, there’s a whole big world out there full of people willing to help – a quick Google search for “depression support groups” yields valuable results.

And there’s a lot more help available online, too:

The National Alliance on Mental Illness and Depression Bipolar Support Alliance are both reputable organizations that specialize in making connections with local support groups.

Online blogs can also be a powerful tool for finding support and guidance.

“It is always helpful to hear from people that experience the same thing, because depression can be a very lonely disease, “Lacroce says. “People always feel better when they know they aren’t in it alone.”

Don’t Count Out Counseling

Therapy can teach us the tools we need to cope with difficult situations and help understand the root of our problems. While there are different methods of therapy, many people find the most effective therapists are the ones who simply listen.

“That really shows that all people want is an ear,” Lacroce says. “Not even advice. Just someone to acknowledge and listen to them.”

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Additional Reading

The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman: Lacroce says this easy read helps either person in a relationship (which doesn’t have to be romantic, by the way) see that people view “love and support” differently.

Undoing Depression: What Therapy Doesn’t Teach You and Medication Can’t Give You, by Richard O’Connor: Another one of Lacroce’s favorites, this book is authored by a practicing psychotherapist and outlines behaviors that can help replace depressive thinking and behaving.