8 Steps to Being More Assertive (And Why You Need to Start Now)

If you’ve ever walked out of your boss’ office silently wishing you’d had the courage to ask for a raise, or blown up at your partner about being late again, you’re probably also familiar with the subsequent feelings of dissatisfaction, worthlessness or anger.

These types of situations happen to all of us from time-to-time, but some people adapt to these challenges better than others. If you tend to act passive or aggressive (or passive-aggressive), you’re denying yourself the opportunity to both be your own best advocate and decrease your chances of depression. Research reveals a strong correlation between a lack of assertiveness and low self-esteem and depression. Essentially, it’s difficult to ask for the things you need or want when you don’t feel good about yourself.

Let’s change that.

Types of Interpersonal Behaviors

Interpersonal communication isn’t just about what you say to someone. Non-verbal cues, your beliefs and emotions are all part of the recipe. Here’s a look at four different types of interpersonal behaviors. Where do you fit?

Passive: You don’t express how you feel or what you need. You’re critical of yourself and don’t admit if you disagree with others. You believe other people’s needs are more important than yours. You don’t believe that you bring anything of value to the table. Speaking quietly and avoiding eye contact are common non-verbal behaviors.

Aggressive: You attempt to get your way at any cost, often by using a loud voice and intense eye contact. You’re dismissive or insulting because you believe your needs are more important than the needs of those around you. Emotions include anger, remorse and self-hatred.

Passive-Aggressive: You attempt to get your way by avoiding conflict, but without taking responsibility for your actions. You worry you’ll be rejected if you’re assertive and fail to follow through on commitments. You resent others when they make demands and display these feelings through snide comments and off-putting body language.

Assertive: You use direct and honest communication to explain your feelings. You understand others may not have the same opinions, but you believe everyone’s point of view is equally important. You communicate in a relaxed manner. Positive emotions and increased self-esteem are often results of this behavior.

The Link Between Assertiveness and Depression

Understanding the link between assertiveness and depression is a little bit of a chicken-and-egg question. Does a lack of assertiveness cause depression, or does depression hinder assertive behavior?

Researchers have long analyzed the relationship. Here’s a summary of findings from one study:

Internalized anger can lead to depression
Depressed people tend to have a negative self-perception and ineffective interpersonal skills
When people make an effort to stay calm, their levels of positive self-perception increase
Anxiety increases when someone is dealing with internalized anger. The anger is often directed at themselves.

How do these negative results translate into real life? In a study of nursing students, those with low assertiveness experienced higher levels of anxiety, leading to “interrupted educational performance, poor learning process, weakened ability, and undeveloped talents.” Simply put: A lack of assertiveness can prevent you from leading the life you want.

Like aggressive or angry behavior, passivity can also create undesirable results. Students who didn’t utilize assertive communication techniques were more likely to see a negative impact on educational performance. Assertive students reported fewer feelings of loneliness and better educational performance, likely because of their ability to ask for help when they need it.

8 Steps to Being More Assertive

Assertiveness is considered a “treatable” interpersonal communication skill. Here are a few immediate steps you can take to communicate more effectively with others:

Decide what issue you want to discuss.
Explain that you want to share your feelings about a specific issue and schedule a time to do so.
Objectively state what behaviors you don’t like.
Use “I” statements to describe how you feel. Don’t blame or dredge up old issues.
Ask for specific, reasonable changes to be made.
Explain why you want the changes to be made and how the other person may benefit.
Compromise on a solution and be sure each person understands it.
End the conversation by showing gratitude and stating where each person now stands in the situation.